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You could shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you'll never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for several weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you will be back for a rematch at some time. You can't just let that Bandit win so conveniently, can you? No way.

It's just a machine, in the end, with a "brain" comprised of wires and microchips. You, in contrast, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to possess any hope at all in surviving the worldwide war against machines that surely will come some day, we'd better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter in the sort of sweeping historical context and also you will see that it's not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse immediately.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it would be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You could not know that the slot machine passes by different names in overseas nations. For example, in the United Kingdom, it's called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the trusted safe slot is called a "poker machine," which is much more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of a little girl's toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you'll get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or more reels, which spin whenever a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off according to patterns of symbols visible in the event the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Quite simply, onto those tips which were promised a few paragraphs ago:

Become intimately familiar with each slot machine's payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, which is in which you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and money spent. Even when you do not hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This certainly will be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you may afford and only spend cash you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you're losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it's no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.